Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Woman with 10 grown children collects recyclable items to survive..

True story from our recent local news.....


SEREMBAN: Eighty-two-year-old Gan Kein Liew’s friends used to assure her that she would be well looked after in her twilight years as she had 10 children.

When her husband died several years ago, Gan did not worry, thinking her children would always be there to care for her. “In fact, I hoped my children would also look after their two siblings who are slow learners

But sadly, it never happened,” said the frail-looking Gan when met at her sparsely-furnished home in Seremban Jaya near here.

Despite her age, Gan has little choice but to scour her neighbourhood for recyclable items every day so that she can at least buy a loaf of bread for her children Yok Ching, 51, and Lai Seng, 39.

She wakes up early to collect used plastic, tins and papers and earns about RM10 per week.

“I have no choice but to do this as I have not seen my other seven children for more than 10 years now,” said Gan.

“I cannot trouble another daughter of mine who earns very little and is a single parent with four young children,” she said, adding that the house she is staying in belongs to another daughter.
........................................................................................................................................

What happened to our Empathy? Non of the children has the love for the mother! Don't they feel shameful? There is a Chinese belief... if you respect and love the elders, your children would follow and if you take care  of your ageing parents, they will  love and care for you at your later years. 

65 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wake up my dear outdated Robert,

In America, the elderly are more typically sent to nursing homes — a contrast that may appear unfeeling, even cruel. But the ways in which societies around the world treat their elderly span a vast and varied range.

The idea that it’s human nature for parents to make sacrifices for their children and, in turn, for their grown children to sacrifice for their aging parents — turns out to be a “naïve expectation”.

This assumption, ignores undeniable conflicts of interest between generations.

The common sense perspective is that parents and children both want a comfortable life and there are limits to the sacrifices that they’ll make for each other.

The scientific perspective — natural selection — would be under some circumstances be better for children to abandon or kill their parents and for the parents to abandon or kill their children.

Those circumstances include life’s often heart-wrenching realities — from the threat of starvation among indigenous tribes to the difficult choices posed by modern societies’ life-prolonging medical care.

Traditional nomadic tribes often end up abandoning their elderly during their unrelenting travels. The choice for the healthy and young is to do this or carry the old and infirm on their backs — along with children, weapons and necessities — through perilous territory. Also prone to sacrificing their elderly are societies that suffer periodic famines.

Are you aware that Paraguay’s Aché Indians assign certain young men the task of killing old people with an ax or spear, or burying them alive?

We react with horror at these stories, but upon reflection, what else could they do? The people in these societies are faced with a cruel choice.

Those of us in modern cultures face cruel choices of our own. Many have already faced or will face a similar ordeal when you are the relative responsible for the medical care of an old person — the one who has to decide whether to halt further medical intervention or whether to administer painkillers and sedatives that will have the side effect of hastening death.

The fact remains that today’s young people want privacy, want to go off and have a home of their own.

The virtues of independence, individualism and self-reliance also make life hard on older people as they inevitably lose some of these traits.

Have you chose to ignore (bcos you are a Catholic) the Protestant work ethic, “which holds that if you’re no longer working, you’ve lost the main value that society places on you?"

Modern literacy and its ties to technology are also putting the elderly at a disadvantage. Modern literacy means that we look up things in books or on the Internet — we don’t go ask an old person.

Formal educational systems are replacing old people with highly trained professors for transmitting specialized knowledge.

Lightning-speed technological advances mean that the things that old people do understand got technologically outdated.

Anonymous said...

Sad story but its reality! And the root cause is humans have abandoned the spiritual content Which was a part of their lives. We are living all for today, as if there is no tomorrow, the permanent life. Man cannot manage themselves nor this world, because man do not know enough of both! He cannot even create an atom! So what happens is a world where humans just follow their heart. And you and me know, that that journey is treacherous eventually leading to its own demise. Give it a little deeper thought, and it should sink in nicely.

Anonymous Yohan.

Anonymous said...

It is definitely a reality and most of us are still unable to accept it.

Nothing to be sad as this is part of evolution.

Anonymous said...

As parents, many of us believe in being strict with our children, holding them to a high moral and value standard to protect them from the sharks in the world seeking to consume them. Yet so many of these children jump ship in their early 20's and late teens. What are we doing wrong?

More than likely there are many things we are doing wrong. Childrearing has never been fully mastered. Still, I believe there is an inherent problem in among strict parents desperately trying to prevent their children from duplicating their own mistakes.

In our efforts to provide a safe future for our children, we mistakenly try to dictate or legislate character.

This, I believe, is one of the major reasons why we are losing our children to the world. In addition to rules about moral living, we force our children to conform to rules of character. The problem with this approach is that character cannot be dictated or legislated. Children do not develop character by being forced to yield to rules of character.

Moral rules, even strict ones, are necessary to prevent our children from straying into a path that leads to destruction. Rules that dictate character, however, do not actually build character in the child.

Character is self-control, self-government. Commanding a child to have patience is not a development of the character of patience; it is being forced to yield to the will of the parent. As soon as the restriction is removed, so will any semblance of patience.

Anonymous said...

Robert,

I stopped talking to my mom, when I realized that for every problem I fixed for her, my absence from my own life just created a larger problem in my life. I don’t owe my life & productivity to my mother just because she birthed me. The years I have spent taking care of her as an adult have caused harm to me, and it’s time for me to start preparing for my own retirement instead of just propping her ongoing bad financial decision making.

Anonymous said...

My parents made it clear that the woman who I chose to be my wife was inadequate in every way to them, and then proceeded to poison every blood relative’s opinion of my wife-to-be in a calculated and systematic manner.

There was always the assumption that I would “learn from my mistakes” and come back to the fold, and this was the fiction that they presented to everyone around them about their only child.

One decade later, they’re living miserable and lonely lives, facing their demise with nobody whatsoever in the world to see them or take part in the spiral downward, and now they’re thinking of reviving the old relationship?

Anonymous said...

Robert darling,

Children are born innocent. I think all will agree with that. I have seen it too many times: parents are almost always responsible if a child, adult or otherwise, pulls away.

Anonymous said...

Young man,


You reap what you sow. When someone severs ties, it’s not about a day that went wrong. It’s more like years of beating your head against a wall, dealing with someone who won’t listen. Over a long period of pain and frustration, you realize they never will. Some people have a skewed idea of “love.” Just because you use that word doesn’t make it real.

Anonymous said...

Robert,

Do you know that parents who continue to contact their adult children – who wishes NOT to be contacted – is called harassment?

Anonymous said...

I don’t think this is anything new. The world’s literature is full of tales of a young person leaving, or being pushed out of, a poverty-stricken or comfortable but autocratic home, and never making any effort to return or to communicate with those left behind (granted in a world where communication was more difficult). We all seem to think the world began the day we were born.

Anonymous said...

Mr Foo,

For your info, I cut my parents off as an adult and I didnt see either of them again except that I went to both funerals. I was very nice to my mother at my father’s funeral but I would never see her again.

Neither of them ever understood my reasons. They were mystified and felt that they never made a mistake in their lives.

Growing up was constant conflict which extended into adulthood. We couldnt get thru a meal or a ride in the car without vicious fighting.

My mother would escalate the conflicts to the point of near violence and then blame others. Every visit or holiday led to conflict over nothing.

We never had any money problems, job problems, alcohol problems, or drug problems. We should have been a happy family.

My Mother was difficult and self centered and tried to control every aspect of everyone else. Its possible she had OCD, Anxiety disorders, or depression. She would never agree to see a counselor.

My father gave her a free pass because to fight her behavior would have caused the marriage to breakup.

They felt that they did a wonderful job as parents just because we had a nice suburban house, money in the bank, everyone was sober, and we had no visible problems. Every day was miserable around them.

I forgave my parents in death for what I couldnt forgive in life. Now, I feel like the happy person because my life is so much better.

Anonymous said...

I have cut all ties with three family members, including my mother before she died, and my life is SO much better for it.

My mother was the master of pretending to be Mother-of-the-Year in front of other people, but was a monster at home. My childhood was rife with all forms of abuse. In spite of that, I tried many times as an adult to have anythng resembling a normal relationship with her….it never worked out. I was never good enough for her, nothing I ever did was right, I was a horrible child who produced horrible grandchildren, etc and so forth. When I finally made the decision to save my sanity and end all communication, she told everyone she had no clue why I “abandoned” her.

She died from brain cancer, and when she was diagnosed I tried one last time to reconcile. Epic failure.

I do not regret my decision, but I will say that I am tired of accusations and recrimination from family and others who bought into her act and believe that I just selfishly left her to die alone, as she lead them to believe.

Robert Foo said...

Hi Everyone up there,

Mind! I'm enlightened by all of you. Really didn't know that most younger generation could have these problems.

Thanks God. Today all my sons, daughters in law, grand children are more like friends to me.

Growing old could be a nuisance. I choose to be growing up and still have fun with those younger people. Otherwise I might be in trouble. Haha!!

Thank you so much for those frank and truthful comments. I'm learning from all of you as well.

Anonymous said...

People who do not understand why such a bad thing happens usually do not listen. You listen not just with your ears. You listen with your whole person; you listen if you are interested in the other person.

Anonymous said...

Robert,

You miss the point entirely- the falling out of the generations is a direct result of us realizing that our baby boomer parents not only betrayed us but still actively vote against us at every turn.

Anonymous said...

Sweetheart...

There’s a saying “your life begins when your parents die.” One of mine has passed, and I can tell you the exact moment I realized in the core of my body he being gone was the chance I’d waited for to finally breathe, live and thrive without the oppression, discounting and daily control over me. My other parent I speak to rarely, none of my siblings do really and I can tell you when the day comes that she is gone we will all rise above the weight and shroud of burden and really begin to discover who we are – damaged people who become parents create damaged children and I am personally more whole and intact now that one is gone.

Anonymous said...

some parents are just clueless!

Parenting well is a full time job
I have seen parents who think they can parent in their spare time and at their convenience.

Who think they can apologize over and over for the same mistakes and all is forgiven. Maybe forgiven, but not forgotten.

Sorry means change.

There are 2 sides to every story. Parents estranged from their children have to look honestly and deeply at what the reasons may be. There is always hope. Make your children your priority and love them unconditionally.

Robert Foo said...

Hi my wonderful readers,

My slogan is always to listen and to understand. You have the points there and I will remember them.

Though we are Asian who could be old fashion but things are also changing. Time has come when The World would face the same problems of life every where. Isn't how much intelligence we have, but rather how smart we are to face the challenging lives ahead.

Thank you again for commenting. Indeed I'm learning much more.

Anonymous said...

I spent FORTY YEARS banging my head against a brick wall trying to get my selfish, self-absorbed, narcissistic mother to love me.

Kudos to those adult children who are smart enough to recognize a waste of time when they see it and who save their own lives by throwing their parents out of them.

Robert, don't be naive. Children do not just give up on their parents and sever that bond unless they must to save themselves.

Like another commentator here said, just because they call it “love” doesn’t mean that it is.

Anonymous said...

Robert,

If the parent genuinely loved the adult child, then the parent would respect the adult child’s wishes and leave them alone.

Anonymous said...

Just because I came out of someone’s vagina doesn’t mean I have to tie my life to hers forever. I am my own person, with my own life and goals and plans for myself.

Frankly I’m a bit offended by the implication that children should go out of their way to stay in touch with parents even after they’ve moved on into adulthood, and that something reprehensible or evil is being done by not communicating with them.

Anonymous said...

Sir,

Even without “obvious” cruelty and abuse, it can be stressful and upsetting for children to have to interact with their parents. The children have to think about their own health.

Anonymous said...

Dear Robert,

My father disliked both his parents. My grandfather felt the same way about my dad (his son), and upon my grandmother’s death my Dad told me, “You know, I feel nothing. I shed more tears over one of our cats dying than over her.”

Anonymous said...

In any relationship, parents and children have to make it worth it for each other to continue to relate. Each party will make choices about how to treat the other, and must live with the consequences.

Anonymous said...

Most people have this problem, the problem of a meaningless, and painful, relationship with their parents.

This is so pervasive in this generation that I believe it is biological and evolutionary at it’s source, it is simply meant to be for so many people to be on their own without any influence or contact from parents.

I also don’t believe for one second, that any regret, or need for reconciliation from parents, has any other motivation than selfishness and continued abuse; it’s programmed into them to want security and contact with their children because of the sub conscious belief they need their children in order to survive, or just live longer. All in all, a very selfish reason to want contact.

Anonymous said...

The problem is parent who are still abusive and damaging IN THE PRESENT. And who don’t get it. And their adult children have to leave because it’s a matter of psychological survival.

The adult child has no choice. It’s cut off the parents or commit suicide. That’s how damaging contact with the parent is.
And these are the some parents who will lie, whine, and complain to the rest of the family about what happened, and who insist they don’t understand what went wrong.

No matter that their child has been trying to get them to listen to them for DECADES.

Anonymous said...

Robert;

If you love them, set them free. Leave the door open, and they’ll come back, again and again. The tighter you hold them when they are young, the further they will fly when they grow old. Overprotective helicopter parents are often amazed at just how badly their children want to get away from them.

Adult children are adults. If you continue to treat them like children, they will rebel by cutting you off. As soon as your children become independent of you, they become your equal in their standing in society. Treat them as such.

Parents get the children they deserve. Children, after all, are a product of genes (yours and the person you chose to have sex with), the environment they grew up in that you provided, and the examples that you set. If they turn into bad people, don’t look to someone else to blame.

Parents are not entitled to their adult children’s time, treasure, or access to the grandchildren. Parents who have earned their children’s love and respect will receive plenty in return.

Nobody promised you there’d be somebody saying thank you when you decided to have kids. So give the sense of entitlement a rest. Suck it up. Get on with your life.

Anonymous said...

Parents who view their children as extensions and mirrors essentially attempt to co-opt their children’s lives, using emotional blackmail and guilt to get whatever they want.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes a parent can manage to be manipulative and impossible with her child, but look like an angel to the outside world.

Anonymous said...

I’m thinking about cutting off from my parents because they’re really annoying and boring and repetitive. It may seem unfair, given their feelings and all the effort put into providing for me, but we only have one life to live and if I can’t find any redeeming qualities to the relationship I’m not going to waste my time.

Anonymous said...

I think parental “love” is often more about ego. I know it was in my mother’s case. I had to be the perfect child because I was meant to enhance her prestige. She “loved” me because I “was hers,” and made excuses for her poor, selfish, angry and physically and verbally abusive parenting because “she loved me.” She’ll never understand that her entire point of view of my existence is wrong. There’s no point trying to explain it, and dealing with her is not easy. Everything always has to be done to suit her. It was that way my whole childhood, and now that I am middle aged and she is old, it is still that way. She is an intensely selfish person and lacks empathy for me. I was never meant to be valued as an individual, but merely as the solution to her problems and emotional neediness. Because I am no longer as healthy as I was, I cannot waste my energy on her any longer.

Anonymous said...

Robert,

Some parents simply deserve nothing better than to die alone.

Anonymous said...

Robert,

It is only if you have been hurt by your adult children that you can truly understand the deep pain that comes with it. For some reason communication ceases no matter how much we as parents try and try to reach out. You have to wonder what our grandchildren are learning from all this insanity. Will they too one day turn their backs on their parents? We go through a grieving process and the last stage is acceptance-but getting there is excrutiating. You see our loved ones are not dead but the ties that bind are unravelling and we are powerless to stop it. It is only with support of others who understand how we feel that we are able to move forward.

Anonymous said...

I don’t believe for a second that the estranged parent does not know what he/she did. Cutting ties is the hardest decision in the world, we who were forced to do so certainly do not need more judgement from others – believe me, we judge ourselves, more than you know.

If you decide to have a child, please act as a parent. If you don’t, please don’t expect the child to see you as one.

Anonymous said...

Life is too short for poisonous relationships. And if the parents won’t or can’t change, the child has no choice but to get healthy even if it means getting away.

Anonymous said...

Robert my love,

Most addicts do not admit they are addicted and most addicts with children do not admit they abuse their child. Conversely, most children of addicts say they were abused

Anonymous said...

Robert,

Parents need to raise children to become independent adults. If parents are controlling and/or want to be friends with their kids, they are doing a disservice to the whole family.

Anonymous said...

Telling adult children to basically “get over it” is a very convenient attitude that let parents completely off the hook and likely just leaves adult children more aggravated.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes the abuse is so hidden that nobody suspects it. Sometimes it’s psychological and emotional abuse. And sometimes the parents are in denial about what they’re doing.

Anonymous said...

anon 11:41

Let me add this;

Emotionally abusive people think they are just fine, and they never stop abusing because they will never look at themselves honestly.

Anonymous said...

Emotional abuse is often invisible, and the people in power and perpetrating the abuse often redefine reality to make themselves look harmless to anyone without a view from the inside.

Anonymous said...

Harassment is still harassment, even from a parent. Some children have suffered long enough at their parents’ selfishness and should be allowed some peace once they have broken the disfunctional ties that bound them.

Anonymous said...

Dear Robert,

I gave birth because I wanted to be a mother, I wanted kids, and I see it as my responsibilty to see them through to adulthood. I genuinely do not feel they ‘owe’ me anything. The point is that children should grow up to lead their own lives. As children grow up and become independant, that separation is or can be painful to the parent, but it is part of the parent’s task to gradually let go.

Anonymous said...

Robert,

Unless a child is sociopathic or otherwise genetically incapable of normal emotion, parents have only themselves to blame if their children avoid them. Their suffering is self-imposed.

Anonymous said...

My father has many fine points–he’s extremely intelligent, even brilliant. He is charming and outgoing. He’s the sort of person you’d want in a crisis, when smart, decisive action needs to be taken. He’s performed some profoundly humane and charitable acts for other people over the years (that he never mentioned at the time, and that I only learned about long after the fact). I know he still does these things, even if I don’t know the specifics, and knowing about this side of him helps keep me from giving up on him.

But as charming and benevolent as he can be towards others, he was hell to grow up with. And while I’ve come to terms with most of my childhood hurts, he is still difficult for me to relate to as an adult.

He is at his most charming and generous when around new acquaintances, those he wants to impress, and people in crisis–whenever he can make a grand gesture or come to the rescue. He is at his worst when it comes to day-to-day relationships, especially with those he sees as subordinates–not just secretaries, retail clerks, and waitresses, but also his wife (my mother) and his children.

I knew he loved us kids, in his way, but I grew up knowing we weren’t important enough to impress. He treated my mother, myself, and my siblings as he would his least-capable employees (I wish I were kidding). Our jobs were to be his attractive, dutiful Wife and adorable, well-behaved Children. And just as he rated his employees’ performance at work, so he did at home.

I grew up under a steady stream of belittling comments about my weight, my grades, the things I liked, my shyness and lack of social skills. His sense of humor was cruel, based on picking at others’ weaknesses or setting them up to look stupid; he was the sort of father who took pleasure in defeating his own children. He loved to set us up to fail at something we didn’t know how to do, and then mock us for our ignorance–somehow, we were just supposed to know how, and if we didn’t we were stupid.

If his laughter hurt? That was our fault. It was “just a joke.” We needed to “stop being so sensitive.” “Lighten up.”
And the generosity he so freely extended to other people rarely was extended to us. It wasn’t just money or gifts; he used to give advice and encouragement to the children of his friends, playing a supportive mentor role to them that he never played with us (because somehow we were stupid if we needed advice, but his friends’ kids weren’t). It always felt like other people got all the best of him, while we watched and hoped for a few stray crumbs.

I could go on, describing further examples of his toxic behavior–his moodiness, his explosive rages, his implied promises that got our hopes up only to go unfulfilled, his insistence on withholding crucial information as part of his power game–but this is more than enough.

What’s important here is that almost nothing has changed. He’s still very much the same. And he just can’t see any of it.

Anonymous said...

I repeat: he just can’t see any of it.

He can’t see his own cruelty. He can’t see his overwhelming need for conspicuous display and one-upmanship. He can’t see his anger or moodiness. He can’t see his need for control. He can’t hear the dismissive or abrupt tone in his voice, or the mean edge in his laughter. He can’t see how he hurts people. These don’t fit his self-image, so they don’t exist; they aren’t part of him. Not in the present, and not in the past.
He likes to wax nostalgic about “the good times,” and in the process willfully ignores the bad, and thus his contributions to it.

If people are hurt by his cruel comments, it’s always their personal problem (they’re too sensitive, or don’t want to face the truth), not due to anything he’s done. He is always justified in his behavior. He never apologizes.

He says, at every family gathering, “All I ever wanted was for you kids to be happy,” but there is no acknowledgement of how deeply unhappy we were–and we obviously were–or that he played a crucial role in making us so unhappy.

I don’t know if it’s ruthless denial or an utter lack of self-awareness, but I’ve never been able to break through it to make him see what he was really like, and what it did to us kids–much less that he’s still, to this day, doing the exact same hurtful things, all the while denying that he’s hurting anybody.

Sure, he wasn’t a perfect parent, but he did the best he could. He didn’t hit or molest me; he worked hard to afford a nice home; he wasn’t a drunk; and all he ever wanted was for us kids to be happy.
So while I don’t doubt there are some (rare) kids who estrange their parents for “no good reason,” I imagine there are far more estranged parents who are really damned good at hiding their shadow side–not just from a psychologists or other people outside their families, but from themselves as well.

My father didn’t beat me as a kid; there was no severe, obvious abuse. But rather than beating me down with a sledgehammer, he chose to slice at me, a little at a time, with a razor. Those countless small, stinging cuts added up. And had cutting off all contact been what I needed in order to heal from all those wounds (and not incur more)? Yes, I would have done it.
But I never cut my father off because it would have upset too many other family members, whom I love.

So these days, I’m cordial toward him, but distant. I’ve reduced my expectations and learned not to take his crappy behavior personally. I know how to keep him from hurting me anymore, but that also means I don’t trust him, don’t confide in him, and don’t share with him the things that mean the most to me.

We talk, and we get along–but I have estranged him, at least from the most essential parts of myself. And while I imagine he’s noticed, I also imagine he thinks it’s because there’s something deeply wrong with me–because all he ever wanted was for me to be happy, right?

Adel said...

Hi Robert.
Such a wonderful, inspiring blog. And, a lot of wisdom in your blog. Recently I believe, the same person been commenting so many times, as though spamming your blog. By reading these, I can conclude its the same person as I rarely see an anonymous person commenting on your blog (except raj). Don't you feel irritated? you might try disable anonymous comments. Just a piece of my mind.


Your blog contains humor and knowledge, but never I've read a post (since beginning 2007, correct me if im wrong)that lead to arguments in the comment till what I saw last week. Shocking!.

Wan said...

Hi Robert,
I agree with Adel that it should be the same person spamming your blog...
However, I believe your EQ is strong enough for the spamming 8)
Only true and sincere friends understand your point...
Keep it up, Robert!
You are just GREAT!

Anonymous said...

Adel,


If parents were emotionally healthy in their own lives, they wouldn’t need anything from their children. They wouldn’t need their child for emotional closeness (they’re missing in their relationship), they wouldn’t need their child for love (they never got), etc. etc. So often, it seems like parents are feeding off their child’s good hearts in order to fill themselves up with what they never got. That’s why most of these posts about poor parents who are estranged make me uncomfortable ~ even now, most of these poor me parents are ignorant of they’re addicted state, they’re missing their drug of choice – their child’s heart – and are unwilling to look at their stuff. What an incredible thing it would be to grow up as a child with your parents feeling you as you feel everything, validating your emotions rather than dismissing them.

Anonymous said...

Robert,

I think if the parents are able to admit to their mistakes and see how they hurt their children, the children will be able to forgive and realize that we are all fallible human beings who are for the most part doing the best that we can (even if this falls short).

By the way, do not assume other'wise'.

Anonymous said...

Most children want to love their parents. If the child does not have a psychological issue, they rarely want to completely cut a parent out of their lives.

Typically they only do it for self protection, or when the parent is too immature to see their own faults, or when the parent has unrealistic expectations about the child’s role in their lives.

Anonymous said...

Even a plant moves away from painful stimuli…

Anonymous said...

If you’re actually interested in seeing where you’re going wrong, it’s in the word “convey”.

A child who’s made what was likely a wrenching decision to cut you off doesn’t need to hear it. It isn’t his problem any longer. It’s your problem. You may want *badly* to communicate. But your child’s made it clear that he’s done. It’s yours to deal with on your own.

Anonymous said...

Robert,

It does seem harder today for parents and their adult children maintain a relationship. The world views of the different generations are so extremely different now that both sides feel like they’re trying to communicate with an alien who just doesn’t get it. As a parent, I have come to realize that my children just aren’t that interested in my tired old values and I in turn am free to make a life that doesn’t demand that they “honor” me. Mainly I’ve stopped worrying about whether there will be anything in my estate left over for them after I die.

sumukh bansal said...

i will not ask that "Can people do such things to their parents" because i have seen such things.
But i still don't understands why people do such things.

one mother can earn food for 10 children but 10 children can not support their mother.
I guess that is why they say that "mother's love is incomparable"

and i very much agree with that Chinese belief..

P.S. Why every one is "Anonymous" here.. :)

Robert Foo said...

Hi Wan & Adel,

You are truly my most faithful readers who darn to speak your mind when I was being attacked. Thank you for the support.

Robert Foo said...

Hi Sumukh,

Is easy to criticise and condemn behind the curtain but when one is at the front no word would be uttered. Very few of the comments are from Asia... So my dear friend You know what I mean!

Anonymous said...

It is so disturbing to read the comments of abandoning parents in today's world as a norm that sounded like a correct way of action. I've always believe that no matter how bad or dangerous parents could be, as a child, we should never ever abandon them. There is no right in abandoning any parent despite the cruelty and inconvenience parents would have caused and continuously causing. If this is the world today, what would tomorrow's world be? When there is no love between parents and child, there will never be love all around.

Regards,
Michelle Yong

Robert Foo said...

Hi Dear Michelle,

Yes! I could feel like you. And that's why I wrote everyday on Wisdom of Life to share and teach the younger people what is Love. I know this post could be unknown but ever since I wrote since 2007, my blog is being read all over the world today.

Thank you again for sharing your pain.

Anonymous said...

So sad, if u were raised by ur parents healthily and responsibly, u r worse then animal to say that.

Anonymous said...

Glad to find a human talks here, surprise to read so many comments above stating nothing wrong of disserting parents and blaming how bad their parents bla bla...instead of complaining, hv they ever thought while they were baby can't walk can't talk, who were the one carry and teach them all basics in life?
Dun tell me they start earning $ and survived from day one.
No doubt there r cases where we see abusive and bad parents. But many up ter sound so disgusting telling they r themselves once reach alduthood! Damn them! while they were baby, mother sacrifice her youth and time taking care of them, such heartless creature!

Anonymous said...

Glad to find a human talks here, surprise to read so many comments above stating nothing wrong of disserting parents and blaming how bad their parents bla bla...instead of complaining, hv they ever thought while they were baby can't walk can't talk, who were the one carry and teach them all basics in life?
Dun tell me they start earning $ and survived from day one.
No doubt there r cases where we see abusive and bad parents. But many up ter sound so disgusting telling they r themselves once reach alduthood! Damn them! while they were baby, mother sacrifice her youth and time taking care of them, such heartless creature!

Anonymous said...

One book that I think you might find most enlightening is a groundbreaking book that was written in the 70s.

The book is called the “People of the Lie” by M.Scott Peck. The subtitle is: The Hope for healing Human evil.

In the book the author shares several case histories involving Personality disordered, self-absorbed parents.

In these chapters, along with presenting the cases, the author describes his own feelings of frustration, revulsion and powerlessness in dealing with personality-disordered people, particularly parents abusing a dependent child.

The authors feelings about personality disordered people are not unusual among therapists but are rarely spoken about publicly due to political correctness.
Still, if trained professionals have these feelings can anyone imagine how difficult and confusing it must be for a child trapped in family with a personality-disordered parent or parents to deal with such feelings.

One chapter describes parents who continually claim to love their son and want to help the son with his problems which are clearly all caused by the parent’s crazy-making behaviors, based on the case history presented.

In the chapter it is clear that the parents will go a mile out of their way to convince everyone of how much they love their son and are doing everything in his best interest, when it is clear to the reader that they do exactly the opposite, and do not wish to change their behaviors.

Any and all suggestions the therapist offers as a way to heal the family dysfunction are soundly rejected or rationalized as ineffective by the parents.

While reading the case history, it is painfully clear that the parent’s professed love is only proclaimed for appearances sake….and, as a way to skillfully cover their covert abuse.

Anonymous said...

This book was written before personality disorders were listed in detail in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) and before the manual included full descriptions of personality disorders.

Because it was written prior to the DSM listing, IMO, the author displays a more honest gut reaction to these types of parents.

The author is even willing to be politically incorrect enough to label their behavior as “evil” because of the deceptive but harmful tactics they use to inflict their will on their dependent children.

Meanwhile, these parents will still go through great effort to attempt to fool outsiders into believing that they are loving and caring people.

The fact that these self-absorbed, covertly abusive parents attempt to hide their abuse, is an clue to that fact they are actually AWARE that they are being abusive.

This “awareness” of the need to hide their abuse, is what makes their behavior “evil,” according to the Author.

The author is also willing to admit his extreme dislike of, bordering on revulsion, to these types of parents once he recognizes them.

For the author, the fact that he experiences first hand, in a therapeutic setting, how resistant the self-absorbed parents are to hearing their own faults and to changing them, as well as seeing the harm they inflict on their unwary helpless young victims, is extremely upsetting to the therapist.

Basically, to his mind, the factor that makes the BEHAVIORS of these personality disordered people “evil” is their cunning ability to successfully hide behind the persona of the saintly selfless parent and to fool the average person.

Also, the author discusses how extremely frustrating it is to work with the child of a personality-disordered parent in a healing way because too often the parents will try to derail the doctor’s attempts to create opportunities for the child to heal.

These parents act as if they own the children and the children are just pawns to the parent’s deranged will.

Because emotional abuse is not yet a crime, it is very difficult for the doctor to help the victim of personality- disordered parents.
A therapist would be able to help a child escape physical battering, but emotional abuse is much more difficult to deal with in abuse cases.

A larger proportion of psychologists, psychiatrists will refuse to work with certain types of personality-disordered people.
The reasons why are that experience has shown them that personality-disordered people are very difficult, if not impossible to cure, or to change.

Pathological Narcissists who border on being psychopathic in their lack of empathy for the pain they inflict on their own children or other victims, are the most difficult to interact with.

Anonymous said...

Personality-disordered people lack the ability to gain insight into their abusive behaviors. Without the ability to realize they are being abusive, the abuser sees no reason to change.

Also, if you tell a pathological narcissist that their behaviors have caused you pain in the hope that they will stop those abusive behaviors, it will backfire on the victim.

As a normal empathetic human being would listen to the complaint and try to change. The personality-disordered parent will only feed off of that information. The idea that they may be causing their victim pain, brings them pleasure.

Therefore having a constructive, healing dialog with many types of personality disordered people is not constructive and may actually be destructive to the victim.

Providing information to a personality-disordered person only serves to provide information to the Personality disordered individual that further enables them to skillfully but stealthily deliver more abuse in a way that is not obvious to family outsiders.

Lastly one factor to remember removing oneself from an abuser is not abuse to the abuser. It is self-protection. We can still have empathy for the Personality disordered person, while avoiding them.

A person who has a psychological disorder that causes them to lack empathy is a predator. And, it is always wise to avoid a predator.

Most predatory animals have no compunction about eating their own young to ensure their own survival.